


hold the light for me love (you know i am doomed)

by thefaultofoursouls



Category: The 100
Genre: Character Study, Clexa, ENDLESS CLEXA, F/F, I will die for clexa, Look I tried, MORE CLEXA, Sad, angsty, but happy i guess, emotion, feels my dudes, i cried, of clarke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-29 12:43:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13927371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefaultofoursouls/pseuds/thefaultofoursouls
Summary: Clarke.Her life.orClarke has fifteen minutes and fort6 seconds to tell her story.





	hold the light for me love (you know i am doomed)

**Author's Note:**

> Look.  
> I am sorry.  
> But I had to.  
> It was bugging me too much. Plus, this is kind of my sister’s story. She has two months left.

Fifteen minutes and forty-something seconds till I’m gone.

  
Let me get my story straight.

  
(That saying is pretty ironic, because right now, I am gay AF.

Well, I always was.)

  
But just a disclaimer - this story doesn’t have a happy ending. Why, you ask, am I telling you this, then?

  
I don’t know.

  
Maybe it’s because of the fact that I’m a sucker for tragedy.

  
Or because I want to.

  
So, just a few things to know beforehand:

  
I have cancer. It wasn’t considered terminal four months ago. But it rebounded, and now I’m sitting here in a hospital bed with my blonde hair shaved off for the chemo efforts and counting the seconds in my mind.

  
Leukemia. I fucking hate that word.

  
I was going to major in art, and in fact, I’m drawing right now.

  
I was born drawing, and, when I was in third grade, I won the state fair.

  
That was also where I met Raven and Bellamy and Octavia.

  
Now, look: I can’t sit here, and tell you, in perfect order and complete sentences, what my life story was.

  
I’m not that great at English.

  
Plus, my memories are images.

  
So bear with me, because I’m no poet.

  
My first memory is of my dad.

  
Jake Griffin, sandy stubble, blue eyes. Leaning over me. Led Zeppelin T-shirt.

(Bad fashion choice, Dad. I totally rocked my blue onesie.)

He is singing something. A lullaby, maybe?

  
(Nope. It was P!ATD, I think.)   
A few more of those kinds of times:

  
Dad, reading me my first book. Sandy in the Land of Cookies. I loved when he pretended to talk like the giant teddy bear and tickled me till I squirmed.

  
Playing me the guitar. Letting me rub my fingers on the shiny copper strings.

  
(Oh, look. Fourteen minutes. I need to tell you this faster. No more complete sentences, probably, so if you are a grammar stickler, too bad. I am telling you this as fast as I can remember.)

  
Mom. Stern. Loud. But my mommy.

  
I am three. Birthday. Vanilla cake and sprinkles. Streamers. Candles. I am happy.

  
Tripping, I am falling. Sidewalk. Rough. Blood. My eye hurts. Mommy says I need stitches.

  
We go to the doctor. Not as nice as Daddy.

  
We are moving. New house. Sad. Blue room. My bed. Unicorn plushie. PJs. Fan on ceiling. Dad and Mom. Separate beds. Separate rooms.

  
School bad. No friends. Pencil sharp. Paper. I draw. For a long time.

  
Third grade. Raven. Bell. Octavia. First place. Clapping for me. Watercolors. Cupcakes. Sprinkles. Streamers. Celebration. I am happy.

  
Fourth grade. Finn Collins. Nice, but looks at me funny.

  
Fifth grade. Finn is my boy friend. With a space in between. He asks me to a date. Yes. Pizza. Laughter. Texting. Fun times.

  
Boy friend becomes boyfriend. Raven looks weird when I introduce him. Bell says she is jealous. Fight. Sad. Hurts. We don’t talk.

  
Middle school. Popular. Blonde. Sporty. Funny. Finn. Kiss. Spicy. He ate tacos. Breath stinks. Oh well.

  
Seventh grade. Lexa. Green eyes. Mysterious. Talks with an accent.

  
Finn and I break up. Nasty. Art. Lexa in that class. Raven too. We talk. Octavia and I are happy. All friends.

  
Raven and Anya. Lexa’s older sister. Gay. Is it wrong? No. Raven says I look at Lexa like Anya looks at her.

  
Butterflies when Lexa laughs. Ice cream on her nose. I like ice cream. I like her nose. I said that out loud. Awkward. She’s looking at me weird. I run.

  
Don’t talk to each other. In hallway. Anya. Tells me to stop the bullshit. I hurt Lexa. She likes me?

  
I ask. She says yes. Happy. She likes me. Gay also means happy. Date. Poetry slam. Art. Laughs. Tacos and salads. I drop her. Kiss. Tasty. I said that out loud. Crap. Well. Awkward. Lexa laughing. Not at me. With me. I am happy.

  
Sophomore prom. Valentine? Too early. Bad puns. Raven is drunk. How? Right. The punch. Lexa. Dance. I don’t fall over. Kiss on the face. Kiss on the nose. Kiss. Finn is mad. Dykes. Lexa. Punch. She is strong. I slap him. Principal. Finn. Suspended. What are hands for. Holding. Lexa. Me. Hand. What.

  
Wisdom teeth removed. Lexa comes over. Love her. I didn’t say that out loud. I did. Again? She says it back. Ice cream. Kiss becomes more.

  
Bedroom is brown. Lexa. Bed. Clothes. Oh.

  
(I am not blushing, I am not blushing, I am not blushing.)

 

Mom finds out. Dad too.

  
Dad hugs me. He is happy.

  
Mom is not. Yelling. Lexa stands there while Dad gets her coffee. Mom yells. I yell. Dyke. I am not. Leaving. Tears. Dad hugs.

Mom goes somewhere. I don’t care. Stressed.

  
I run away for a week.

  
Homeless. Bad. Stay at Costco and library. Draw.

  
Go back to school. Take exams. Come home. Mom. Tears. Hugs. Okay.

  
Cancer. Too much stress. Lexa cries. School missed. Anya cries. Raven cries. Everyone cries.

  
I cry. It goes away. Chemo. Hurts. Hair is short.

  
Lexa still loves me too much.

  
Ring. A promise to propose.

  
I am happy.

  
Scholarship for two years later. Art. UCLA. Lexa there too.

  
Cancer is back.

  
Terminal.

  
Too many lasts. Not enough first.

  
Coffee for the last time.

  
Kissing Lexa for the last time.

  
Dad and Mom for the last time.

  
Raven, Bell, Octavia, Anya for the last time.

  
Tears.

  
I make a bad pun.

  
Lexa kisses me hard.

  
I love her so much - it isn’t fair, but she should move on..

  
Break ups.

  
She knows what I am trying to say.

  
I love you all.

  
(And now, for a grand conclusion, because I love those:)

  
I am who I am.

  
You have a tiny amount of me through this story I shared with you.

  
It’s not enough, but it is.

  
I am happy. I have had a happy life.

  
I am sad. I will not get to live much longer.

  
(My heart will go on for two more minutes.)

  
But this is me.

 

Clarke Griffin.

  
I am horrible at soccer.

  
I am in love with Lexa Woods.

  
Raven, Bell, and I are the ultimate broTP.

  
All my life, I drew art.

  
But, I am slowly realizing this - I was art.

  
(I still am - I am not gone yet.)

  
So remember me as Clarke Griffin.

  
And Lexa, name one of your kids after me like we agreed to - Lexa Jr. and Clarke Jr.

  
(Thirty seconds.)

  
Maybe, in another world, one where I live, we would be happy together.

  
Oh well.

  
We are what we are.

  
I am Clarke, ladies, and gentlemen, and it was a pleasure.

  
(Now’s my curtain call, but at least I stole the show.

One second -)

 


End file.
